I’m starting to realize why people love sleeping. It’s like blacking out without the consequences…right? Well… I’ve never blacked out, so I have no idea. But when I’m asleep, my mind finally stops racing. It’s finally quiet. The thoughts of self-doubt do not plague me, I’m not compulsively checking my appearance in my phone camera, and I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. Unless you count dreaming. I do love dreaming. My mind can freely be expressive and imagine scenarios, and I don’t even have to put energy into it. It takes so much energy not to think, and when I’m not thinking, I’m telling myself not to think, so then I’m getting anxious about thinking or not. I don’t even know who I am. I’m an actress every day of my life. I go through the day pretending to be a character. I’m a girl who gets all the guys, and she aces her test. When I’m taking a math test, the camera pans in from the left, and I look up and take a breath, my character is stressed. I follow a script. I have my whole brain dedicated to making that character. But the problem is that the character isn’t me. I have no idea how to be myself. Or is being myself, being those characters? Does anyone truly KNOW themselves? Cause maybe I do, but I probably always won’t.
Just a thought.
Love, A